"When are you two going to have a baby together?"
Hmmm, let me check my calendar. How about 2 months from never?
It drives us crazy. Even our mothers just don't seem to understand why we are choosing to not have a baby.
Below is a list of reasons, sound ones I might add, detailing why we don't want to expand the family. Some explanations will follow a specific question that we are asked.
~ My husband has 2 little girls. That makes 4 of us in a house that we are already growing out of and a new baby would only make the space constraint worse. We have 3 bedrooms, not 4.
~ Financially, we are 'making it work' with there being 4 of us. Adding another child would be, financially, an irresponsible thing to do.
~"But don't you want to have a child that is yours?"
As far as the kids are concerned, they are mine. I have been with them since Peanut was only 2. She doesn't ever remember me not being here with her. And since Button has a less than stellar memory with most things, she doesn't recall a memory without me being in it.
This question usually makes me angry. I have to give birth to make my life mean more? Certain children mean more because you birth them? Try telling that to the MILLIONS of children that get adopted by loving families. Why are step-parents and adoptive parents looked as at less than parents? It made me so mad last year around Mother's Day that I made this and pinned it to Pinterest.
~ "Wouldn't you be happier if you actually got to experience the miracle of childbirth?"
Bwhahaha. No.
I don't feel that I need to go through weight gain, massive swelling, uncontrollable vomiting, contractions, hemorrhoids, possible bed rest, mood roller-coasters, drugs to dull the pain, stretchmarks, and strangers wanting to touch my belly. Due to having a ruptured disc and surgery to fix it in my early 20's, I have already had 3 epidurals. I already have a ton of stretch marks due to losing weight. And I've had hemorrhoids before, thanks. And I don't like strange people being close to me, let alone feeling any part of my body.
~ Feeding off of the above when I mentioned my back: I have had spinal fusion between my L4-L5. If you don't know anything about spines, that's the second to last disc above my rear end. Pregnant women have a hard time with back problems. I am not willing to take a chance that my fusion could snap or that it could leave me paralyzed. I am not even supposed to go on roller-coasters! When I talked to the doctor about it, he didn't say "you cannot have a baby". He just had that look on his face that if I chose to have one, I could really have hell to pay. And the possibility of entire pregnancy bed rest is enough to make me say no no no. And due to the fact that I had to go back to see my doctor in December because I'm experiencing some of the same pain as before surgery below the fusion, there is no way I am considering pregnancy.
~ Peanut was still in diapers when I met her and let's just say that kid had butt rot. And she couldn't bathe or dress herself or tie her shoes. So in my mind, I've done the things that mommies do when they have a baby. Why do I need to have a child when I have already done those things? I'm not missing out on anything.
~ "I bet the girls would love to have another sister or maybe a brother!"
Yeah, no. We asked the kids if they would want another baby in the house. The answer was a simple and firm 'no'. They both know that to have a baby, they would either have to share a room again OR one of them would have to share a room with a baby. It's not going to happen. They were less than thrilled with that idea.
And due to the fact that Peanut was the poster child for willful/stubborn and threw more tantrums than an entire preschool class on her own, I don't think the rest of us are willing to take a chance that another baby might be the same... or worse. (Read Button's latest quote on the Kid Quotes page.)
~ Button said it best during our last chat about it: "There's 2 of us and 2 of you. That way, no one is ever left out. If one of you is playing with me in my room, the other can play with Peanut in her room."
So, the family has spoken. And in our family, what we all want will always be the most important 'want'. Sorry, mom.
I understand completely. I have one son and it seems that isn't good enough for some people. I do find some innocence in the initial question of whether we'll have more, but to continue to push after I've said that one is plenty, is rude.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have to explain yourself or provide reasons for why you've chosen not to have more (or one of your own - I'm speechless about that one!). People can be so ignorant and insensitive. It is your decision, not someone else's. I do wish that some people could give you respect for your choice.
Love the quote that you made and pinned on pinterest. So true.
Thank you for seeing my point! :)
DeleteSadly, it IS the same people over and over again. I don't know why some feel that they should have a say in your life or the life of your family.
It is really sad that "one of my own" is brought up. I wonder if it has to do with the stereotypes about stepparents? True, some step mothers/fathers actually say such things and mean them ("I want one of my own!) but not all of us are like that. Children are not given greater importance, in my eyes, due to who they are born to and when.
I agree with Ella-Lauren that you shouldn't have to provide reasons. Why do people even ask those types of questions?
ReplyDeleteThere is a natural fusion between either my L4 and L5 or my L5 and S1 <-pretty sure that it's that one. For ME, that wasn't an issue at all for any of my four births...but everyone is different of course!
Sandy, I didn't know you had spinal fusion!
DeleteI know that I could give it a try but once my back started acting up again, there is no way I would consider it.
My doctor told me this might happen. With one disc fused, I lost the mobility in that area. So 10+ years later, the disc above it or below the fusion could rupture. I think it's trying to do just that.